Noticing Patterns

 Your boss repeatedly leaves your agenda items to the end of the meeting - meaning that they typically get abbreviated or dropped altogether. You've spoken with her about it before. This time when you bring it up, she explains how full the agenda was and how you need to be more flexible about urgent issues. If you give in to that notion, you've missed the point. Your concern is not today's meeting, it's the long-standing pattern. Sometimes patterns speak up on you and a new issue arises, You point out the problem, and the other person begins to either rant or pout, something that's starting to happen a lot in your conversations with him or her. It's becoming a pattern. Influential people notice this pattern of behavior and find ways to address it before moving back to the original topic. 

A the problem continues, talk about relationship- what's happening to us. Relationship concerns are far bigger than either the content or the pattern. This issue is not that the other people have disappointed you repeatedly; it's that the string of disappointments has caused you to lose trust in them: You doubt their competency, you don't respect or trust their promises, and this is affecting the way you treat one another.  

"This is starting to put a strain on how we work together. I feel like I have to nag you to keep you in line, and I don't like doing that. I guess my fear is that I can't trust you to keep the agreements you make." 

If your real concern is around the relationship and you discuss only the pattern of behavior, you're likely to find yourself feeling dissatisfied with the outcome. Even worse, you're likely to experience the conversation again later.