Managing Your Inner State

Think about the other person - Imagine them feeling a lot like you do. After all, few of us get enough attention. Each of us is out there pretty much on our own, playing and fulfilling our different roles. 

Nobody really expects that we're going to pay attention to them. So before you meet somebody, imagine your mind. Im going to meet somebody wonderful. I dont know anything about them and this is going to be a game. Im going to enjoy learning about them as much as possible about them without if feeling like they've just been in the third degree hot seat. 

Your goal and your intention in meeting somebody are really what drive the experience. After all, if you know what you want from the meeting and how you want the process to feel, you have a clear and worthwhile focus. In this case, getting to know the ther person is your goal. This really frees you from worrying if you have something in your teeth, if you fly is zipped, or if you're making a good impression. Believe me, if you're genuinely interested in the other person and it shows, you will have their attention. They will enjoy being around you. 

So once you're under control, take care to avoid a common pitfall of persuading. When people try to persuade other people, when they go into selling, urging, encouraging, and arguing - all of those behaviors make the other person feel pushed. What's lacking from most social interactions where a person feels pressured is the opportunity to exhale, to just relax and ease into being with people. 

Think of the people whom you enjoy being around. Are they pushy? Needy? Narcissistic? Or are they calm, relaxed, centered in themselves, and genuinely interested in you? Just think about that. Your intent is to help the other person feel safe, relaxed, and at home with you. So, instead of accelerating the energy, you want to step back a little to give them psychological air, and if you feel like you're picking up too much speed, "zoom out" and briefly visit third position to assess how the interaction is going. 

Your ability to use a person's name in conversation, to use extended eye contact and touch, and to match their non verbals and their language are charmers, Once the other person feels safe and felt, you can show more interest in them in terms of asking them questions about what they do, wha they like, what would it be like if they could do, have, or be something different, and what that will do for them, then listen and just let the other person run with it. As they do, they'll give you more information about themselves - and you can ask more follow up questions. 

So when you're talking with people, you want to ask questions that get at how they feel or think about something, as well as what they've done in the past or might like to have happen in the future. As they answer you, they begin to feel known by you. And as they become known by you, they'll be more comfortable and will share even more of themselves with you.